Please be my friend...

I like you! I don't like very many people but I like you! Actually, it's not that I don't like very many people; it's more like not very many people like me. I'm not sure why. I think I'm pretty nice. Actually, I think I'm incredibly nice. When I'm at the park and the squirrels come around to steal my food or throw acorns at me I say firmly but nicely, "Hey squirrel, get out of here." I don't yell or throw things at them like other people do. If I see a homeless person and I have food, I always give it to them. Even if it means I have to turn right back around and go back for myself. I always keep at least $1 cash on me in case I have no food but most of the time I hand out $5 like its candy. I've even given away cake! Do you know how hard it is for a fat girl to give away cake?! I digress...

I'm not sure why I don't have many friends. I mean, I have a large group of people that I hang out with and I have a large family, and it seems like everywhere I go people who I supposedly hung out with or went to school with or did (insert “other things with”) come up to me. I have no clue who they are, but I never let them know that. That's how nice I am! I'm awfully personable-I have talked a bouncer into getting a group of 15 people into a hot nightclub for $20 when it was a $20 cover per person! Plus, I got free drinks the entire night and didn't even have to show my boobs! Well, I didn't have to show nipples-I always show boob. Again, I digress...

I think I'm a funny girl. I know I'm a sweet girl. I'm quite loyal and I'm never judgmental (Have you read this blog?! Who the heck am I to be judgmental?!) I truly feel your pain when you are sad and I'm genuinely happy when something good happens to you-even if my life is complete chaos (again-have you read this blog?)-I don't hate; I'm super excited for you! I just don't have friends.

Girls don't like me. I don't know why. They just don't. Girls are uncomfortable around me for some reason. I have guy friends in the masses though-and yes, they’re JUST my friends. I don't want your man. Believe me; I barely want the one I got! But I definitely don't want yours. I think a lot of women are insecure. I know I'm insecure but I don't think you would know it unless I told you. Besides its mostly about the things that come out of my mouth. Sometimes I can’t sleep because I’m thinking about some stupid thing I said! I have issues with communication. I'm not so goodly at it...but I'm NOT nor have I EVER been insecure about who I am. I kinda just live my life thinking "They're gonna LOVE you kid!" so it always surprises me when people don't.

Look, please just be my friend...

Maybe if I tell you a little about myself you’ll come around. I’m just me… I guess the older I get the more I see how lucky I am to have the loving, open-minded, caring, positive people I have in my life. My circle is particular and if your lucky enough to be in, you’re in it for life, unless you mess up-then it’s really your loss…I say just be true to yourself and to others. I love life! Idiots are my pet peeve so please don’t talk to me if you lack intelligence-I have no time for you. I am definitely NOT a morning person and I think the day shouldn't start till at least noon. I hate to be rushed- Especially when its YOU who made me late in the first place! I always have a plan-ALWAYS. Creativity inspires me. Injustice upsets me. I heard this joke once about a monkey, a hippo, and a polar bear that made me laugh so hard my abs hurt for 2 days! No one else found it funny, but it made me love monkeys, hippos, and polar bears now. I really get a kick out of people laughing at my jokes-I never think I’m funny when they laugh and when I think I'm hysterical all I hear are crickets… I love flirting! I flirt with EVERYONE! It's just my nature. It doesn’t mean I want to jump your bones or I got a crush on you so don't take it the wrong way-believe me, you’re not that special-and I know that sounds mean, but you read earlier how I believe we should be true to ourselves and others. I love sleeping-I can spend my whole life in a dream and sometimes I DO! I love my husband-he makes me happy to be a girl. I can admit that I'm a dork…at times, but knowing that just makes me the cool person I am-so there! I believe evolution and creationism can co-exist. I have a temper, and get emotional easily, but you won’t see until the dam breaks-then I’ll need your help. I do stupid things sometimes. It makes me happy when I find a seat at a crowded club or bar-like a special VIP just for me. I like when things go according to plan and I like change, but only if it’s part of the plan… I loathe fake people just as much as I detest the stupid ones. I like to laugh, A LOT! I love anything glamorous. I'm glamorous - I think. I have an addiction to cheese, cupcakes, and bubble gum. I think anytime is a good time to do the robot and I do it in the shower EVERY morning. I like to get my way (but then again who doesn't?) I like to think that I'm perfect but I know that I'm not. I am stubborn. I have goals and aspirations and I’m doing something about it!! My motivation is high and so is my ambition-have you ever touched the sky? I will. I'm shy, but I never let it show. I'm secretive and I can keep secrets. I am the heart…and you can’t live without your heart. I love my family. I love God. I am me.

If I haven't scared you off and you want to be my friend then please let me know. Because I like you! and I need someone to like me too! LOVE!!

Steak and a Blow Job? Yes Please! & Thank You!

My 3rd year anniversary is coming up in a few days. It’s been 11yrs but it’s only my 3rd year being “married.” Now, I could go into the reasons I put the word married in quotes but let me just make a long story short by saying we had the wedding but I never turned in the papers…don’t judge me.

I bring this up only to say that I’ve been doing some thinking about gifts. I’m not the type of girl who wants or asks for a lot. In fact, I’m pretty easy-no pun intended…well, maybe a little. I’m the girl who asks for knee-socks and lip gloss for my birthday and for Christmas all I want is new jammies and a naughty kiss under the cameltoe, er, I mean mistletoe. Now, this is not to say that those who ask for candlelit dinners and jewelry are high maintenance. Its nice to have the thought and effort put into a special night commemorating a special occasion, but honestly all I want to give AND receive on my anniversary is a beer, a blow, and some steak. Since I’m a giver, I wouldn’t have an issue with going first or like Chris Tucker once said “Same Time Man!! Same Time!”

I guess somewhere between “I Do” and “joint bank-account” I thought, if I’m getting $100+ flowers that will wilt, die, and become infested with small flying insects that I’ll later wonder if one flew up my nose while I was sleeping and decided to lay eggs, then 6 weeks later I’ll be in some important meeting and just when I’m making my point a bunch of little baby insects will come flying out of my nose and God forbid its while I’m flirting…that’ll show me… I’d rather my dear husband just ditch the flowers and instead not bitch about why every light in the house is on and how much the electric bill is this month. I’m sorry. I had the light on in the hallway because I was coming down the stairs and I’m afraid of the dark and the creaky stairs I’ve been telling you to fix for 3yrs, then when I got to the closet in the living room I remembered that’s where I left my cute purse with the big red bow on the front that matches that cute dress that I wore that night we went to the Spindle Top, and while looking for it I get the urge to pee so I have to turn on that light since you insist on leaving the frikken seat up and midstream the phone rings so I have to run into the kitchen before the answering machine picks up because your mom NEVER leaves a message and you swear up and down that I’m avoiding her! I’m sorry okay! I have successfully turned on all the lights, but I’ve noticed so as I’m about to retrace my steps to turn off all the lights you walk in and begin…So ask me if I want $100 flowers again.

Sure jewelry is always accepted; afterall, diamonds are a girl’s best friend but baby, if we can escape the country on what you spent on my ring then I’d have to say, please take me away! Let me stop. I always get something nice and he sure does try his hardest, but really- “married” for 3yrs, betrothed for 2 prior, dating for 5 before that and just plain old screwing around for a year or so before not including that one time at his sister’s (sorry Flee) and the other time in the mustang in the Astrodome parking lot that night GT had that release party. Look all I want is the beer, a blow, and some steak. Is that so wrong? I’ll even make you a deal, the beer can be domestic, the steak can be a Jack-in-the-Box taco, but the BJ MUST be like it was on our first date…er, I mean, oh hell, like it was on our first date and it must include that little swirly thing that you do that makes me giggle…

Love You Papi! Happy Anniversary Babe!

You know what? I’m not feeling it…

I’m not feelin’ it today. I hate being in this kind of mood. I’m so much better when I’m my sassy, silly, smiley self. More and more I’m feeling ornery and it makes me wonder where the “real” me went. I always pictured myself retiring to a beach of white sand and clear blue water as far as the eye can see. For some reason I only see my hand though- holding someone else’s hand and they happen to be white and skinny and very young-damn Sandals commercials…

The way I’ve been feeling lately, I think I’m gonna be that bitter old woman who looks like a witch with wiry gray hair and a black dress she’s worn since her late husband’s funeral 20yrs ago whom no doubt SHE killed with an ax that sits beside her, who sits in a rocking chair on her decrepit front porch cricking back and forth, chain-smoking and yelling at the neighbor kids to STAY OFF MY LAWN! I made a list of my “I’m not feeling it” items and I hope you join me in my fit of grouchiness:

1. People who have something to say about everything-I’m not feeling it…

2. Mike using the bathroom before me when we get home from work-I’m DEFINITELY not feeling it…

3. Bad ass bay-bays kids who happened to be named “Sage, Hunter, Jiffer, or last names ending in “the 3rd or 4th” (if you get my drift) AND their parents that insist on talking to them about their feelings instead of taking that sucker by the ear and dragging them to the bathroom like it went down when I was a kid and even THOUGHT about acting up-uh, uh, I’m NOT feeling it….

4. Butterface-I’m not feeling it…

5. People who still live with their parents and don’t have to pay bills but can afford to pay bills and their parents are so well off that they refuse the money so these cats are just sitting on stacks of paper and can take advantage of so many opportunities and DO!...boo-don’t tell me that-I’m not feeling it.

6. Perfect life, perfect wife, 2.5 kids and an SUV in the driveway and the bia don’t have to work-well, I’m just gonna have to hate on you today because I am not feeling it…

7. Maniacs with “Little Man Syndrome” that think they can run me off the road with their big ass trucks-Baby, if you only knew I wanted to be a race car driver when I was little and I am as stubborn as my last name provides and I will not be intimidated or moved. YOU, can go around…I am not feeling you Haas…

8. Work-nuff said.

So now that I’m done with my vent let me tell you what I am feeling:

1. I’m feeling the random action of a hand on my lower back ushering me through a door-no flirting, no sexual feeling from it, just plain good ol’ fashion gentlemenness.

2. The lady walking out of the CVS who motioned me to stop reversing because there was a soccer mom on a cell phone in my blind spot racing through the parking lot.

3. Genuine smiles and happiness when I enter a room and people actually like to see me (not being conceded-I’m actually always surprised and think they’re about to tell me something terrible but they always wind up just being nice. Why am I so self-conscious?)

4. My group of family and friends that are on the constant look out for fun and make my abs ache for 2 days straight from laughter.

5. My ride or die mentality. I got your back…you got mine? I’m feeling it…

6. People I can tell anything too without judgment-and the stuff I say could warrant serious confinement! My sisters and mentor-I will always be feeling it.

7. Crushes

8. Vodka and lemonade, vodka and pineapple juice, vodka and cranberry or orange or white grape or passion fruit juice, vodka tonic, vodka martini with 2 cherries, vodka on the rocks...do you get where I’m going with this???

I actually feel a lot better now. I think I’m gonna take a swig of this “apple juice” and suck it up because I gotta do what I gotta do. One day I’ll be that skinny white woman walking down the white beach looking out at the great blue ocean holding the hand of my white husband…I just know it will happen one day, I know it!

She's Baaa-aackk...

By special request, I have decided to come back to blogging. I have issues. I know this. I don’t deny it; I readily admit it. I would never say this out loud but I’m insecure about a lot of things especially my thoughts. I didn’t think anyone but my psychologist and occasionally, the authorities, paid attention to my psycho-ramble. I have to admit though I am flattered that two different people asked me about Sweet Girl Sugar. That’s right, I have a fan base of 2 whole people-if one was my mother I think I would have to kill myself…don’t judge me.

Of course, I have plenty to say until the pressure is on and then I get a total block. Its like a strobe light effect going on in my brain-I’m only catching parts of words. I think better without my pants on. I need to wait till I go home so I can take them off. I prefer not to wear pants. After work I run to my car and take my pants off before I drive home. I do a lot with my pants off. I do homework with out my pants. I study without my pants. I even stand in front of the fridge without my pants and eat pickles… sometimes I just sit and do nothing without my pants. Everything that can be done with pants is better without pants.

I have really random thoughts most of the time. I wish I could be more like those analytical thinkers that solve world hunger or invent innovative devices that the world never had before but now can never live without. Instead I think about why there isn’t a time of day that is mandatory nap time or why don’t humans have the ability to camouflage themselves if lizards can. I thought about gluing all the random things I found on the floor that mom told me never to touch but I still did anyway and making a scrapbook. I thought about having sex in a parking lot or on a park bench or on top of a magic carpet. I think it would be really fun, a little dangerous, but quite refreshing! Yes girls think about sex too. I also thought about socks which led me to the internet which led me to porn which brought me right back to sex…

I’m losing my mind. I’m taking all these classes trying to rush this degree but I can’t concentrate on the analysis of healthcare reform in 5 states or the mental processes of a monkey. I’m thinking about National give Jenn Candy Day and why my overweight bald no-teeth-having neighbor insists on coming over wearing nothing but boxers and socks to see if my water pressure is decent. I need a vacation. I need some sort of escape. These pants are too damn CONSTRICTING! Maybe I need a good stiff one-ALL puns intended, and I’ll be able to clear my mind and think about things that are constructive like inventing a cup that keeps the vodka at the right cool temperature without the rocks or how to send a text using voice technology. Things people never had but can never live without. Although now that I think a little further-vodka and voice text don’t necessarily go together like PB&J. I’ll have to think about it a little harder…harder…harder…damn, it always goes right back to sex...I need to get laid