29 is the new 40

Did someone say party? I have a birthday coming up. It’s not for another 2 months but that doesn’t mean I can’t get started planning, right? I know, I know, I’m a little obsessive/compulsive about planning so I actually started planning in November. That’s not too bad considering I’ve been planning my 30th birthday since I was 8. This year’s birthday is important. It’s a big deal! My last birthday of my 20’s! Next year, I’ll be in a new decade bracket. I’ll have to check a new box-you know the one for the warrantees that say “check here for ages 30-35.” That will be me! Lumped in with the 35 year olds! I have to make this one count! Since my birthday falls in the middle of the week, I’m having my birthday on the Saturday before which this year, happens to be Valentine’s Day.

Bleh to Valentine’s Day. It’s a cheesy holiday and I never really understood it. People getting engaged on Valentine’s Day, romantic dinners on Valentine’s Day, flowers and chocolates on Valentine’s day-really? It’s all expected. Wanna be truly romantic? Do those things on another day-ANY other day. On Valentines Day, buy her a vibrator, a bottle of vodka, give her the remote, and leave for a few hours. If you feel you must, buy her a box of chocolates but pick out the ones with the pink in the middle. I hate the ones with the pink in the middle. What the f*ck kind of flavor is pink anyway? It tastes like cancer. Ladies, it goes both ways-less the vibrator, unless your guy is into all that-but lets save that blog for another day.

I LOVE entertaining. Initially, since it is a cheesy day, I know I want to have a fondue party. Maybe I’ll have edible panty party favors as a pop-shot to the day, but other than the kinky-named cocktails it will be no other correlation to the actual “holiday.” Maybe I’ll buy some candles and create a playlist. Maybe I’ll come up with some games to play. Maybe we’ll go out dancing afterwards. I’m getting to old for the clubs though. It takes 2 hours to get ready because, unlike when you were 18, you have to exfoliate, shave, lotion, face mask, tone, moisturize, cream, eye cream, derma-fill, prime, apply, flatiron, serum, spray, tape, tuck, spanks, strap, and then you’re ready to actually get in your clothes. The music is too loud, the drinks are too much, it’s too crowded, then, because I’m married-I actually dance, so when I wind up walking out of the club at 2:30am its like a scene from the Thriller video. My feet hurt, my make-up smeared, my hair is half afro and half dreads.

On second thought, maybe I’ll get the vibrator, vodka, and the remote and just entertain myself….Happy Birthday to ME!